My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back
of a cat and drop it?
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually.
My friend is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
This statement is not true.